Furry Curry

 BONUS EP

Tongariro Alpine Crossing  5⭐️ (easy)

This trek is what’s known in the geriatric hiking world as a “classic” - 19.4 kms, over 7 hours, uphill and downhill grades of up to 18% and over 2 hours of knee punishing descent at the end. In layman’s terms that translates  to a “Why the fuck would anybody want to do that to themselves?” hike. Good question.

My thought was to make it even more difficult & bizarre, so along with about 20 other idiots, I boarded a minibus at 5:00 am to drive from Discovery Lodge and begin my trek in the pitch black darkness. I know what you’re thinking: “Smart move. Get the serious injury out of the way at the beginning.” As it turns out, I somehow managed to survive the first hour or so thanks to my trusty headlamp & dumb luck and as the sun rose I was well on my way and far from the maddening crowds.

From then on things just became more and more otherworldly. I’m not even going to try and describe it, except to say that for the most part it was literally like walking on another planet. 

Difficult? Fuck yes. You try walking downhill for two straight hours AFTER you’ve been trudging for the previous five.

Terrifying? Yep. For a confirmed old fart with serious vertigo issues nothing can really beat scrambling up & then down a steep hill filled with sliding scree or navigating what seemed to me to be a razor-thin cliff edge.

Worth it? See for yourself.

See what I mean? Unearthly.

As we were driving back to the lodge, I got talking to Callum, the owner & driver, and discovered, much to my astonishment, that he holds the record for the fastest crossing in - get this - one and a half hours. Sweet Jesus! Turns out he did it as part of some famous Ironman-type event involving running, kayaking and cycling. The organizer offered $10 000 to any team that could break the existing record, so Callum enlisted his buddy, an Olympic kayaker, & the 2nd best female cyclist in New Zealand, just for the hell of it. But here’s the most incredible part: he actually also ran the entire road from the highway to the crossing and the road back, for a total of two hours, and then had to wait around for a couple of hours and run another 5 km, which would have been fine, he says, except that halfway across the mountains, “Yeah, I lost the vision in my right eye so I had no depth perception at all”. So he runs the rest of the way, waits around, still not knowing if he’ll ever get the vision back, and then finishes. No big deal.

But enough about him. I did it in just a bit longer and didn’t lose my vision at all. So who’s the real tough guy, eh?

Napier  4⭐️

This is just a quaint little aside. I visited this town because they’re known for their art deco architecture (Sorry. No idea how or why that happened), and stumbled upon their annual Art Deco Festival. Everyone, and I mean everyone, has the outfits all ready & they haul them out for this one weekend every goddam year. Check this out.

Yes, they even have a real Soap Box Derby

I mean, c’mon, how cute is that?

Beaches  4.5⭐️

Honestly, that’s about it. For all intents and purposes, the North Island is basically rolling hills, bucolic landscapes and beaches. Having said that, the beaches are amazing. Beautiful, soft sand (gold on the east coast, black on the west), pristine, good for swimming and surfing and, best of all, virtually deserted. If you’re a beach bum or bunny, this is heaven on earth. If only the water was a bit warmer.

And, honestly, I could have put another twenty.

  

I’ll just bet that at least some of you are now thinking, “Hey! Wait a minute. Where’s the section on Hobbiton?”

Guess what? I  didn’t go. Why not? Let me count the ways.

1. If you just want to do The Tour, it’s 90 bucks. But, more importantly for me, it’s then you and 40 other stiffs being herded around like, well, sheep and patiently waiting all together while everyone gets a snapshot in Bag End or at the fucking Green Dragon Inn. Been there, done that. I wouldn’t do it if you paid ME the $90.

2. Oh, you want to attend The Banquet and stroll the grounds afterwards? Yeah, that’ll be $250. Incredibly I checked and it’s completely sold out for the entire week I’m here - and maybe forever. 

3. I believe this encapsulates the experience better than I ever could:

‘Nuff said 

So that’s all folks. New Zealand in a nutshell. Is it worth a visit? For sure. Just have your wallet handy and bring your driving and hiking shoes. 

A few more days chilling here in Raglan, which is like passing through that weird time portal on Star Trek and ending up in 1960s California, and then off to Japan, which should be a slice - all the exoticism and none of the English.

Sayonara.