Styrofoam Shepherd

 Side 2: Highways & Heartaches

First of all, let me just say that, as in past reviews, I’m sometimes going to sound like the classic curmudgeon. “Those darn kids. What do they know? Loaf of bread - 10 cents. What’s that you say, sonny?”

 Okay, maybe I’m world-weary or cynical, but honest to God, somebody has to be the Voice of Reason here. In any case…

Roy’s Peak  3 -2 = 1 ⭐️  (you’ll see why) 

Here’s yet another “Must Do” near the soon-to-be too touristy Wanaka. Photos from the top  adorn endless posters and websites. And I will admit that the view from the summit is pretty neat. BUT… the fucking climb up has got to be about the worst I’ve ever had the misfortune to engage in. You literally zigzag endlessly on a dirt track up the side of a very steep hill with absolutely nothing to look at except the odd sheep and no cover whatsoever. I’m not exaggerating. “Barren” is the word that comes to mind. And “desolate”.

This is what you get to look at for over two hours. Enchanting, no?

As I said, the view from the top is postcard worthy, but for me at least, it was some what marred by the knowledge that I was going to have to walk across Golgotha for a couple more hours to get back to the car.

Yeah, yeah, breathtaking.

Blue Pools:  not worth scoring

I’m only including this as a paean to two recurring themes:

1. You couldn’t actually visit the pools because the bridges were too dangerous/broken. I can’t tell you how  often this happened - trail washed out, landslide, we’re working on it, blah, blah, blah. And frequently you don’t find out until you arrive (“Yeah, you can’t go there, mate”). And these are big attractions - Cathedral Cove springs to mind. Of course, often you CAN still get there. It’s just gonna cost you. Hmmmm…

2. See the girl/blob  in this photo? (you might have to zoom in)

She waded across the river with her brilliant boyfriend to get to the pools, even though a big sign specifically said not to, and I just watched something  big, and probably important, fall out of her pocket and float away down the river while she wailed helplessly on the shore. Okay, who among us hasn’t climbed a fence or wall or whatever, but to see a little blue pool? C’mon, man!

Fox and Franz Joseph Glaciers  0⭐️

Have you heard the one about the little boy and the pony?

Worried that their son was too optimistic, the parents of a little boy took him to a psychiatrist. In an attempt to dampen the boy’s spirits, the psychiatrist showed him into a room piled high with nothing but horse manure. Instead of displaying distaste, the little boy clambered to the top of the pile and began digging.

“What are you doing?” the psychiatrist asked.

“With all this manure,” the little boy replied, beaming, “there must be a pony in here somewhere.”

How is this in any way relevant? Well, as it turns out, I’m that little boy and these glaciers are the horse shit. 

Allow me to demonstrate:

See that teeny-weeny strip? Yep. Fox Glacier.

See the glacier? No? That’s Franz Joseph Glacier.

Darn! Only missed it by 100 years.

“Ah! You actually wanted to see the glacier. Of course. Not a problem. We can fly you  there in our helicopters for only $650. You’re welcome.”

And judging by the number of helicopters buzzing back & forth over our heads, there were plenty of people more than willing to do so.

“Ah, c’mon honey. We came all this way. It’d be a shame not to see it, right?”

As with the fjord, I saw this as my Big Chance to see an actual glacier up close, and for hours I’d been reading signs and banners proclaiming “This Is Glacier Country.” And then THIS! FFS! 

To make matters worse, at both sites I was standing with a couple, one from Taiwan and a Betty & Murray. Both explained that they’d been here 20 years ago and actually walked in the glaciers. I killed all 4 of them, but it didn’t make me feel much better.

I wish I could give these a minus.

The good news is that we now have a new Devil’s Toenail World Champion. Congratulations.

Hokatika Gorge  3⭐️

Much better, thanks. And while not earth shattering, quite pleasant and totally worth the hike, especially after the Great Glacier Debacle.

See what I meant about the water colour? Everywhere.

Pancake Rocks  1⭐️ ( but not its fault)

I’m only mentioning this “attraction” as yet another example (along with the glaciers and, as it turns out, beaches) of the over-hyped Wild West Coast. These things are all over YouTube, along with the (from my past experience) a phenomenally smelly and disgusting seal colony nearby as worth taking a day to stop & see. Really?

Judge for yourself.

Like…okay, but worth a detour or a day? Nope.

Abel Tasman Park  3.5⭐️

As my Aussie friends would say, “Nooooiiiice!” Truthfully, it’s all about the beaches, but they are gorgeous. I should probably give this 4 stars, but there were too many people (although not on most beaches, as you can see), it was a bit touristy AND I’m still pissed off I wasn’t able to take a water taxi back on my hike, which I was really looking forward to, and had to retrace the whole thing, even though it was my fault for not checking the tides.

Wharariki Beach  5⭐️

What? 5 stars just for a stupid beach? Well, not just any beach. To be honest, practically speaking it’s a dud - no swimming or surfing, hard to get to (way out on Cape Farewell, the farthest point on the South Island) and a ridiculously powerful wind that, combined with the sand, will strip the skin right off your face. But the combination of rolling sand dunes and gigantic rock formations just give it an absolutely uncanny quality. Stunning.

Ferry Crossing  5⭐️

Just shitting you. But it was scenic and I didn’t throw up, so there’s that.

Goddamit! As usual, I’ve gotten carried away and waxed on lyrically for far too long, notwithstanding the fact that I ruthlessly eliminated many waterfalls, trails and scenic panoramas. I’m going to have to do a Bonus EP of the North Island, which should be fairly straightforward since, aside from a few highlights, it’s basically rolling hills, beaches, repeat ad nauseum 

Johnny Wordy strikes again..