Crosby Stills and Hash

 Procrastination - the Mother of all Evils. Such an easy trap to fall into and a hard hole to dig yourself out of. Which is why I avoid it like the plague. But not this time. Nope. I’m so far behind in my chronicling now that it would be ludicrous to even attempt to catch up. So instead of the double album I was planning on releasing, I’m gonna go with a Greatest Hits (and Misses). It’s my only hope. And to make things easier for you (“Yeah, but what does he REALLY think about it?”), I’ll give each experience a rating out of 5 ⭐️ 

Lake Tekapo & Lake Pukaki   2 ⭐️

Meh.Yes, I know everyone raves about it & its awe-inspiring beauty and yes, the aquamarine colour of the water is stunning and gorgeous, but it’s a LAKE people, not The Pyramids or Mt. Everest, and while you can’t help staring at it in wonder, as you continue travelling you quickly realize that pretty much ALL the water here is that same turquoise colour, so really it’s the equivalent of that first gas station and cafe after a long run through the desert. 

Mt. Cook 5⭐️

Now here’s something worth seeing. AND you can camp right there AND you can walk around it and up it - kind of. I mean, look at this:

So there’s the Hooker Valley Track, which is nice and flat (although phenomenally windy) and allows you to gape and gawk to your heart’s content

Note the suspension bridge, an absolutely terrifying part of virtually all water crossings here.

Wind + Swaying bridge = Poopy Pants

Or…you can “man up” and do the Sealy Tarn Track, 2200 steps up the mountainside. It’s also known as “The Stairway to Heaven”, which I have to assume is a supremely ironic name since it’s pure hell. 

Whose idea of Heaven is this?

That being said, there is, in fact, quite the payoff if you actually survive.

But let’s say you’re REALLY hard core (or have batshit for brains). In that case, you’re only halfway. You can continue for another 3 hours, carrying your giant, fully loaded backpack to Mueller Hut and then walk all the way back down tomorrow. Sounds like fun, doesn’t it?

Onward & upward, idiots! 

Note the avalanche warning sign - a nice touch

Queenstown.  2⭐️ (grudgingly)

If I ever make a list of my Top Ten Tourist Towns, rest assured that Queenstown will be on it. Hyped as “The Adrenaline Junkie’s Dream Destination”, you can revel in bungy jumping, river rafting, jet boating or simply strolling the lakeside downtown core, brimming with chi-chi boutiques and artisanal eateries. As my good friends and residents of Queenstown, Betty & Murray (which is what I’ll call all Kiwi couples I’ve met since I can’t recall any of their names) lament, “They’ve fucked it.”

Let me give you an example:

This is a “Fergburger”. It costs $20 (No, I’m not kidding) and not only do people come from far & wide for one, they stand in line - a LONG line.

This is an early weekday afternoon. When I saw this, I went next door to Fergbaker and ask the guy there how long I’d have to wait at 6:00. 

“Oh, at least an hour, maybe two. Or you could just phone in your order, walk over and pick it up.”

Obviously, this seemed too good to be true, so I asked, ”Well then, why doesn’t everybody do that?”

He smiled. “No idea, mate.”

So that’s what I did. Is it worth $20? No, it is not.

*Which reminds me of a conversation I had at a gas station with another young gentleman upon learning that gas was $2.80 a litre.

“Holy shit!” I exclaimed. “How do all these guys with campers and pickups afford it?”

“Well, he said, “I guess they make higher wages.”

Anyway, too bad, because at one time it must have been a great town.

If you zoom in you can catch a glimpse of the boutiques and ice cream parlours.

Milford Sound.   5⭐️

Wowsers! Double Wowsers!

Realistically, I’ll never get to Scandinavia to see a real fjord, so this is as good as it’s gonna get. And it IS good. This is literally one of those places where the phrase “pictures don’t do it justice” actually applies. The sheer height of the cliffs is mind-bending and the waterfalls are like nothing you’ve ever seen, both in terms of numbers and beauty.

Here - even though I told you it doesn’t compare. Just imagine how stunning it actually is.

Honestly, I would have given it 6⭐️ if I didn’t have to drive through a terrifying tunnel to get there, pay $250 AND another $40 for parking and have to watch & listen to assholes constantly jockeying for position to get The Shot.

Ah right. Let’s end on a high because - spoiler alert - Side 2 has some stinkers.