Styrofoam Shepherd

 Side 2: Highways & Heartaches

First of all, let me just say that, as in past reviews, I’m sometimes going to sound like the classic curmudgeon. “Those darn kids. What do they know? Loaf of bread - 10 cents. What’s that you say, sonny?”

 Okay, maybe I’m world-weary or cynical, but honest to God, somebody has to be the Voice of Reason here. In any case…

Roy’s Peak  3 -2 = 1 ⭐️  (you’ll see why) 

Here’s yet another “Must Do” near the soon-to-be too touristy Wanaka. Photos from the top  adorn endless posters and websites. And I will admit that the view from the summit is pretty neat. BUT… the fucking climb up has got to be about the worst I’ve ever had the misfortune to engage in. You literally zigzag endlessly on a dirt track up the side of a very steep hill with absolutely nothing to look at except the odd sheep and no cover whatsoever. I’m not exaggerating. “Barren” is the word that comes to mind. And “desolate”.

This is what you get to look at for over two hours. Enchanting, no?

As I said, the view from the top is postcard worthy, but for me at least, it was some what marred by the knowledge that I was going to have to walk across Golgotha for a couple more hours to get back to the car.

Yeah, yeah, breathtaking.

Blue Pools:  not worth scoring

I’m only including this as a paean to two recurring themes:

1. You couldn’t actually visit the pools because the bridges were too dangerous/broken. I can’t tell you how  often this happened - trail washed out, landslide, we’re working on it, blah, blah, blah. And frequently you don’t find out until you arrive (“Yeah, you can’t go there, mate”). And these are big attractions - Cathedral Cove springs to mind. Of course, often you CAN still get there. It’s just gonna cost you. Hmmmm…

2. See the girl/blob  in this photo? (you might have to zoom in)

She waded across the river with her brilliant boyfriend to get to the pools, even though a big sign specifically said not to, and I just watched something  big, and probably important, fall out of her pocket and float away down the river while she wailed helplessly on the shore. Okay, who among us hasn’t climbed a fence or wall or whatever, but to see a little blue pool? C’mon, man!

Fox and Franz Joseph Glaciers  0⭐️

Have you heard the one about the little boy and the pony?

Worried that their son was too optimistic, the parents of a little boy took him to a psychiatrist. In an attempt to dampen the boy’s spirits, the psychiatrist showed him into a room piled high with nothing but horse manure. Instead of displaying distaste, the little boy clambered to the top of the pile and began digging.

“What are you doing?” the psychiatrist asked.

“With all this manure,” the little boy replied, beaming, “there must be a pony in here somewhere.”

How is this in any way relevant? Well, as it turns out, I’m that little boy and these glaciers are the horse shit. 

Allow me to demonstrate:

See that teeny-weeny strip? Yep. Fox Glacier.

See the glacier? No? That’s Franz Joseph Glacier.

Darn! Only missed it by 100 years.

“Ah! You actually wanted to see the glacier. Of course. Not a problem. We can fly you  there in our helicopters for only $650. You’re welcome.”

And judging by the number of helicopters buzzing back & forth over our heads, there were plenty of people more than willing to do so.

“Ah, c’mon honey. We came all this way. It’d be a shame not to see it, right?”

As with the fjord, I saw this as my Big Chance to see an actual glacier up close, and for hours I’d been reading signs and banners proclaiming “This Is Glacier Country.” And then THIS! FFS! 

To make matters worse, at both sites I was standing with a couple, one from Taiwan and a Betty & Murray. Both explained that they’d been here 20 years ago and actually walked in the glaciers. I killed all 4 of them, but it didn’t make me feel much better.

I wish I could give these a minus.

The good news is that we now have a new Devil’s Toenail World Champion. Congratulations.

Hokatika Gorge  3⭐️

Much better, thanks. And while not earth shattering, quite pleasant and totally worth the hike, especially after the Great Glacier Debacle.

See what I meant about the water colour? Everywhere.

Pancake Rocks  1⭐️ ( but not its fault)

I’m only mentioning this “attraction” as yet another example (along with the glaciers and, as it turns out, beaches) of the over-hyped Wild West Coast. These things are all over YouTube, along with the (from my past experience) a phenomenally smelly and disgusting seal colony nearby as worth taking a day to stop & see. Really?

Judge for yourself.

Like…okay, but worth a detour or a day? Nope.

Abel Tasman Park  3.5⭐️

As my Aussie friends would say, “Nooooiiiice!” Truthfully, it’s all about the beaches, but they are gorgeous. I should probably give this 4 stars, but there were too many people (although not on most beaches, as you can see), it was a bit touristy AND I’m still pissed off I wasn’t able to take a water taxi back on my hike, which I was really looking forward to, and had to retrace the whole thing, even though it was my fault for not checking the tides.

Wharariki Beach  5⭐️

What? 5 stars just for a stupid beach? Well, not just any beach. To be honest, practically speaking it’s a dud - no swimming or surfing, hard to get to (way out on Cape Farewell, the farthest point on the South Island) and a ridiculously powerful wind that, combined with the sand, will strip the skin right off your face. But the combination of rolling sand dunes and gigantic rock formations just give it an absolutely uncanny quality. Stunning.

Ferry Crossing  5⭐️

Just shitting you. But it was scenic and I didn’t throw up, so there’s that.

Goddamit! As usual, I’ve gotten carried away and waxed on lyrically for far too long, notwithstanding the fact that I ruthlessly eliminated many waterfalls, trails and scenic panoramas. I’m going to have to do a Bonus EP of the North Island, which should be fairly straightforward since, aside from a few highlights, it’s basically rolling hills, beaches, repeat ad nauseum 

Johnny Wordy strikes again..

Crosby Stills and Hash

 Procrastination - the Mother of all Evils. Such an easy trap to fall into and a hard hole to dig yourself out of. Which is why I avoid it like the plague. But not this time. Nope. I’m so far behind in my chronicling now that it would be ludicrous to even attempt to catch up. So instead of the double album I was planning on releasing, I’m gonna go with a Greatest Hits (and Misses). It’s my only hope. And to make things easier for you (“Yeah, but what does he REALLY think about it?”), I’ll give each experience a rating out of 5 ⭐️ 

Lake Tekapo & Lake Pukaki   2 ⭐️

Meh.Yes, I know everyone raves about it & its awe-inspiring beauty and yes, the aquamarine colour of the water is stunning and gorgeous, but it’s a LAKE people, not The Pyramids or Mt. Everest, and while you can’t help staring at it in wonder, as you continue travelling you quickly realize that pretty much ALL the water here is that same turquoise colour, so really it’s the equivalent of that first gas station and cafe after a long run through the desert. 

Mt. Cook 5⭐️

Now here’s something worth seeing. AND you can camp right there AND you can walk around it and up it - kind of. I mean, look at this:

So there’s the Hooker Valley Track, which is nice and flat (although phenomenally windy) and allows you to gape and gawk to your heart’s content

Note the suspension bridge, an absolutely terrifying part of virtually all water crossings here.

Wind + Swaying bridge = Poopy Pants

Or…you can “man up” and do the Sealy Tarn Track, 2200 steps up the mountainside. It’s also known as “The Stairway to Heaven”, which I have to assume is a supremely ironic name since it’s pure hell. 

Whose idea of Heaven is this?

That being said, there is, in fact, quite the payoff if you actually survive.

But let’s say you’re REALLY hard core (or have batshit for brains). In that case, you’re only halfway. You can continue for another 3 hours, carrying your giant, fully loaded backpack to Mueller Hut and then walk all the way back down tomorrow. Sounds like fun, doesn’t it?

Onward & upward, idiots! 

Note the avalanche warning sign - a nice touch

Queenstown.  2⭐️ (grudgingly)

If I ever make a list of my Top Ten Tourist Towns, rest assured that Queenstown will be on it. Hyped as “The Adrenaline Junkie’s Dream Destination”, you can revel in bungy jumping, river rafting, jet boating or simply strolling the lakeside downtown core, brimming with chi-chi boutiques and artisanal eateries. As my good friends and residents of Queenstown, Betty & Murray (which is what I’ll call all Kiwi couples I’ve met since I can’t recall any of their names) lament, “They’ve fucked it.”

Let me give you an example:

This is a “Fergburger”. It costs $20 (No, I’m not kidding) and not only do people come from far & wide for one, they stand in line - a LONG line.

This is an early weekday afternoon. When I saw this, I went next door to Fergbaker and ask the guy there how long I’d have to wait at 6:00. 

“Oh, at least an hour, maybe two. Or you could just phone in your order, walk over and pick it up.”

Obviously, this seemed too good to be true, so I asked, ”Well then, why doesn’t everybody do that?”

He smiled. “No idea, mate.”

So that’s what I did. Is it worth $20? No, it is not.

*Which reminds me of a conversation I had at a gas station with another young gentleman upon learning that gas was $2.80 a litre.

“Holy shit!” I exclaimed. “How do all these guys with campers and pickups afford it?”

“Well, he said, “I guess they make higher wages.”

Anyway, too bad, because at one time it must have been a great town.

If you zoom in you can catch a glimpse of the boutiques and ice cream parlours.

Milford Sound.   5⭐️

Wowsers! Double Wowsers!

Realistically, I’ll never get to Scandinavia to see a real fjord, so this is as good as it’s gonna get. And it IS good. This is literally one of those places where the phrase “pictures don’t do it justice” actually applies. The sheer height of the cliffs is mind-bending and the waterfalls are like nothing you’ve ever seen, both in terms of numbers and beauty.

Here - even though I told you it doesn’t compare. Just imagine how stunning it actually is.

Honestly, I would have given it 6⭐️ if I didn’t have to drive through a terrifying tunnel to get there, pay $250 AND another $40 for parking and have to watch & listen to assholes constantly jockeying for position to get The Shot.

Ah right. Let’s end on a high because - spoiler alert - Side 2 has some stinkers.

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

 Honestly, as anyone who’s been subjected to this indignity will agree, you can’t possibly hold someone responsible for their actions after a gruelling series of  long distance international flights, even if that particular person happens to have a well-documented history of idiotic faux pas.

Yeah, that’s what I’m gonna go with.

And I’ll back it up with a concrete, but obviously hypothetical, example:

An elderly gentleman flies for literally 2 full days from, let’s say, Canada to, oh… New Zealand. Upon arrival, he wisely decides to use his first two days in-country to relax and gather his wits about him. Clever boy. He drives to a bucolic little town, organizes his belongings and takes a brief, enervating hike. Upon his return, he notices he’s received an unusual email.

A package of documents was found on a track that could be yours  I will hand in at akaroa police station

Kind regards

Alyson

It’s an obvious scam, right? Not the Nigerian prince variety, but still… they’re looking for something. But what? He knows he has all his documents. He’s checked carefully. His interest is piqued, so he drives to the police station. Empty. Ah! There’s an emergency number. He dials it and begins explaining the ruse to a puzzled lady on the other end of the line. 

“Excuse me, sir? Are you saying someone has found documents that you haven’t lost? Hello? Hello?”

He’s just getting her to come around when yet another young, athletic looking woman walks up to him and says, “Are you looking for some documents?”

Hmmm…just how elaborate is this scheme? We seem to be entering into Mission Impossible territory now. As he begins to explain the situation, she interrupts and starts asking for personal information, much of which she seems to already know.

“Are you travelling to Japan? Have you rented a camper?”

By now, his head is spinning and he’s finding it difficult to breathe, much less respond.

“Wait here,” she says, and rushes off, only to return shortly with a large Ziploc freezer bag containing, many documents - as a matter of fact, HIS documents.

What sorcery is this? 

Well, as it turns out, Alyson owns the pottery studio across from the police station. She was approached by a pair of German tourists who had found the bag lying on a hiking trail and were attempting to return it to its rightful owner. She took it upon herself to relieve them of this burden and because one of the documents happened to have the old man’s email address, she was able to contact him and then deliver the bag to the police chief’s wife who lived next door. Not that it would have been a problem either way. The bag only contained all his travelling cash, his International Driving Permit and reservations for hotels, etc. No big deal.

But how could this have possibly happened to a man well known for his razor-sharp mind, steel-trap memory and the organizational skills of Martha Stewart? Could it be that in his befuddled, jet-lagged state he had unzipped his knapsack, removed certain items and then forgotten to close the zipper? We’ll never know. Because, as I said, this is a purely hypothetical scenario. Case closed.

Bugs On The Windshield

 I can actually picture it in my mind’s eye. Restive crowds numbering in the thousands gathering on Parliament Hill to protest The Travesty. They’re chanting and waving placards.

“Where’s the blog? Where’s the blog?” they howl in one aggrieved voice.

Well, guess what? I’ve been busy. And lazy. And old. But I have a bit of free time now, so I thought, “Why not?” If I get tired or bored I’ll just quit. So let’s start with a quick Q&A.

Where the fuck are you?

For 3 weeks, I was in TED, my one-man campervan, touring New Zealand.

My Ted

Sarah’s Ted. Obvious name choice, no?

For the first 2 weeks, we pretty much covered The South Island.. Then we did The North. Now I’m resting my weary bones for a week in an actual house with an actual bed and bathroom for a week before heading to Japan. So fuck you Canadian winter.

Have you already done the incredibly stupid thing you always do on these trips?

As a matter of fact I have. But I survived it unscathed, aside from the embarrassment, which I’m easily able to deal with due to repeated practice. More on that in a future post.

Is New Zealand scenic?

Saying New Zealand, particularly the South Island, is spectacular is like saying Sophia Loren wasn’t bad looking or that Bill Gates is doing okay, all things considered.  And it’s not just the famous tourist sites. Just getting from one eye-popping destination to the next is usually breathtaking.

“Wow! Just look at that crystal blue lake and those mountains! Oh, gone. No wait, here’s another one. Hey, isn’t that the ocean over there? Ooohh! A waterfall.”

Every time I see a sign that says “Scenic Route” the first thing I think is, “You mean this isn’t the scenic route?” It hasn’t gotten to the European “Cathedral, cathedral, cathedral” stage yet, but only because of the variety of gorgeous sights. A few examples:

Mt. Cook

Milford Sound

Hokatika Gorge

Having said that, the towns here are nothing to write home about. They seem to favour the wartime vinyl bungalow look. Fortunately they’re few and far between.

Unfortunately, there are also a few Devil’s Toenails (aka ridiculously overhyped and underwhelming attractions), especially on the “Wild” West Coast, which is about as wild as dinner at Grandma & Grandpa’s. Again, more later.

Is New Zealand expensive?

Fuck yeah. And at the same time , unbelievably crowded. Admittedly, I’m absolutely on The Tourist Trail, but the number of campervans and people everywhere I go is truly astonishing. I honestly have no idea how they can afford it. 

Over $500 per day! WTF!

Now imagine the cost of one of these 

Whales on Wheels

Ironically, these people are constantly bragging about “freedom camping”, as opposed to my rational choice, which is paying $20 to stay at a Holiday Park and actually having a toilet, showers and a kitchen. Duh!

Want to take a break and get a hotel or Airbnb room? I only checked Queenstown, which I’m told is the most expensive place in NZ, but there was nothing under $200 USD. Yikes!

Will I have to do a lot of driving?

Well, that depends on whether you actually want to see anything. If you do, the answer is: More than you ever thought humanly possible.Yes, New Zealand is compact, but it’s still usually a 4 hour drive between “Must Sees”, which means you (or at least me, with my ”chicken-with-its-head-cut-off” mentality) will be on the road most days. As with most things in life, there’s good news and bad news.

The good news: the roads are well paved (which I never take for granted after Africa), the speed limit is mostly 100 kph and there’s often little or no traffic on the highways. They even have these signs, which people actually pay attention to - sometimes. 

Pure genius

The bad news: New Zeakand is VERY mountainous, so here’s a typical trip:

See all those squiggles? Uh-huh. Back & forth, up & down. And if you get stuck behind a camper van, particularly one driven by an “Oriental”, as the Kiwis call them, you’re fucked. The Chinese, in particular, are singled out as absolute menaces on the road - wrong side memory lapses, inexperience in navigating mammoth vehicles on narrow roads and, frankly, just being Chinese. So there’s that.

Another oddity is the fact that almost every bridge - and there are MANY - is only one lane.

It’s difficult to even imagine what kind of bureaucratic blunder led to this.

“Gentlemen, we have to build a network of roads across the country, but with these limited funds it’s going to be next to impossible.”

“Minister, I believe I have a solution…”

And I believe this photo speaks for itself:

Nothing says “dumb tourists” like an arrow showing which side of the road you should be on.

How about the weather?

Hard to complain. Balmy during the day, and while it gets cooler at night, nowhere near what I would call cold. The only fly in the ointment is the fucking wind. It literally howls all day, every day. It’s like vacationing in a wind tunnel. The Kiwis are quite phlegmatic about it and can rhapsodize about it’s characteristics luke professional meteorologists but I find it a pain in the ass.

What about wildlife?

Rare is the word that comes to mind. I’ve seen signs for kiwis (who seemingly only emerge at night) and wallabies (although again, you’re asked to report it if you’ve seen one, which tells you something), but the only non-bird/insect I’ve actually seen is a possum, and only in this condition - or worse, if you catch my drift:

Supposedly, they’re an invasive species, and while Kiwis won’t actually admit they swerve to squish them, the number of carcasses on the road tells a different story.

So that just about covers it. If you have any more questions, keep them to yourself. They’re probably not particularly interesting or useful in any case. Hopefully, now that I’ve dipped my proverbial toes in the water, I can summon the energy to continue the travelogue.

We see.