Highway to Hell

 I believe the title says it all. I mean, I knew it wasn’t going to be the most pleasant day imaginable - three hours to Himeji to check out the castle and then another two or three to Kyoto. So I was under no illusion that this was going to be The Funnest Day Ever. But I had no idea.

This is the kind of day that skeptics gleefully latch on  to and say, “There you go. And that’s exactly why I would NEVER drive in a foreign country.” And as I sit endlessly fuming  in my motionless vehicle, watching bullet trains and expressway cars whiz over my head, I couldn’t agree with them more.

I really have no explanation for it. Was it because it was the weekend? Was it just an unfortunate route I had to take? Did I do something horrible in a past life? All unknowable variables. What I do know is that every odd Japanese road quirk came together in one giant shitstorm. I lost count of how many towns I went through, but they must have numbered in the hundreds. Not only that, but the roads were choked with traffic AND any time there were fewer than 50 cars in front of me, the one at the front of the line was either a huge truck or one of the ultra-law-abiding natives I’ve mentioned previously (“The sign says 50 so that’s what I’m doing. In fact, maybe I should do 40 just to be on the safe side. Dum-de-dum.”). The closest analogy I can think of is to imagine driving from Ottawa to Montreal, but the entire way is like driving down Bank Street at rush hour. And, no, I’m not exaggerating.

As my family is painfully aware, patience while behind the wheel of a car is not my strong suit. In fact, it’s virtually non-existent. So imagine my state of mind as the hours ticked by. When you realize you’re talking out loud - very loud - and you’re the only occupant of the car, you know you have a serious problem on your hands. 

Well, at least things couldn’t get any worse. Really? When I finally got to Himeji, I was - what’s the word I’m looking for? Disappointed? No, that’s not it. Suicidal? Closer - to see that there was a migrating herd of humanity headed in the same direction. Not totally unexpected, but still disconcerting.

Admittedly, quite impressive, but this is all you’re going to see because it’s all I saw. The lineups to walk through the castle were of the “around the block” genre, so thanks but no thanks.

I won’t bore you with the next three hours. As Herman’s Hermits so succinctly put it, “Second verse, same as the first.” There was one final coup de grace provided by Google Maps however. In its infinite wisdom, it decided I should drive the last 16 kms. on The Road From Hell.

The photos don’t do it justice, but just look at those squiggles. It’s looks like a diagram of a large intestine from a medical textbook. I’m officially rescinding any apologies I previously made.

Still not done. I had thought I was being oh-so-clever by stopping off at the famous Tenryu-ji temple and Arashiyama bamboo grove since it was on the way. 

Guess what? The streets were so packed with tourists that I could barely get the car by - wave after wave of them, a scenario which unfortunately is going to become all too familiar. Just warning you now. It’s not gonna be pretty.

Finally I made the first smart decision of the day, abandoned ship and headed for the hotel, which, thank God turned out to be more than adequate. 

Just enough time and energy to head over to my next door neighbour, Okariba, where I feasted on roasted inobuta, a cross between a wild boar & a pig. Porkarama.

They say time heals all wounds, but it’s going to take a while to get over this one. Luckily I have two whole days when the most driving I’ll have to do is scooting from temple to temple. But the people…

Japanese Fun Facts.

No fun facts for you. I’m in mourning.