Rectum Pen Pals

 Seriously, I swore I wasn’t going to do this. I was going to relax, take a few boring days off & then return with a vengeance after a polite pause. But this is Africa and I’m sitting by myself in a vacant airport at 4:00 am so…

After what I hope is my last drive ever in Uganda, I made it to the airport and braced myself for a 7 hour marathon before my 2:45 am flight. The first 4 hours in the “Waiting Lobby” went according to schedule, but then as I was lining up to get my boarding pass, I couldn’t help but notice that the man beside me, and his friend, each had 4 HUGE square wrapped bundles on their carts. Sorry, couldn’t help myself.

“Hey, don’t mind my asking, but what’s in those?”

Big grin. “Matoke. (Ugandan bananas). I am bringing 120 kilos of them to Dubai.”

Go ahead. Tell me you wouldn’t be burning with insatiable curiosity. In any case, we continued to chat & then he said something to the lady printing my boarding pass. 

“ He wants you to join him in the First Class Lounge as his guest. Would you like to?”

Hmmm…let’s see. Spend another 3 hours on a hard bench alone or in the lap of luxury with The World’s Most Intriguing Man. Duh!

Here’s the scoop: Bashir is a 30 year old Ugandan with an MBA, who somehow (the details were sketchy) figured out that he could make a VERY good living by bringing bananas to Dubai & returning with goods from Dubai. You name it, he’ll get it - phones, iPads, dresses, cameras, etc. All of which he sells for a handsome profit. Then, as we’re sitting around, being waited on hand & foot, it occurs to me that pretty much everyone in the lounge is a buddy of Bashir’s. They’re ALL doing it!

Bashir (in the hat) and his business associates.

 Just chillin’

FFS! These dudes are making a killing. They travel back & forth at least once or twice a week - often enough that they’re all Platinum Club members and they’re on a first name basis with the entire staff.

My friend Bashir, however, considers this chump change and has already gone digital with plans percolating in his fevered brain to go big or go home.

So naturally, we exchanged contact info. Just lemme know if there’s anything you might be coveting, (including, but not limited to bananas) and it’s yours - for a price. 

But the fun is far from over. When I board my flight, there’s a guy (who looks suspiciously like one of Bashir’s buddies as well as the love child of Mike Tyson & Eddie Murphy) sitting in my coveted aisle seat. I politely point this out to him and he gives me a look like, “So?”

“Uh-oh!” I think.”It’s testosterone time.”

I’ll cut to the chase. It involved moving bodies, clandestine conversations, bags shifted and, finally, Mr. Obtuse realizing that I didn’t really give a shit and offering him my seat. Oh-ho! Suddenly we’re BFFs and I’m in with the in crowd. And when we debarked, guess who sought me out & offered to take me to the First Class Lounge. 

Welcome to Africa.