Brainwashed Diapers

 Isalo National Park. Yeah, doesn’t mean fuck all to me either, but I’m here and so I’m going, in spite of the fact that, as always, I feel like I’m being ripped off. Let’s see:

$40 for my guide Toussaint

$25 for park entrance fees

$20 for someone to drive MY car to a pickup point

AND I’ve turned down a “special” zebu lunch in the forest and an extended trip to “The Black Swimming Pool.” (Ooooooh!)

Yeah, seems about right - if I was in New York City. What happened to Affordable Africa? As in,”Sure it’s scary, nobody speaks real English, the roads are nightmarish, the food is barely edible and anything could happen, and probably will, but it’s SO CHEAP!” If this trip is any indication, those days are long gone.

After half an hour of the traditional bureaucratic red tape, we three were on the road to The Natural Pool (be still my beating heart) when suddenly:

Remember what I said? Swear to God, this is supposed to be a road.

Even Toussaint was flummoxed.

So Toussaint & I  soldiered on à pied, much to the delight of our rabid followers

First objective: the Natural Pool, which, I’ll grudgingly  admit, more than lived up to its billing.

And yes, I did go in this time . I was going to get Toussaint to snap a photo of me mooning à la Fred Freemantle, but he’d just told me about his Catholic upbringing and I thought even the idea might be a trifle too traumatic.

The remainder of the hike was a combination of: 

some fairly spectacular scenery

Cascade des Nymphs: this one was a bit of a Devil’s Toenail (see *Appendix if necessary). Supposedly it was MUCH nicer before the town diverted most of the river to supply drinking water. Oh, Africa!

interesting sidelights

The Afterlife

The tradition of the Bara tribe here is to temporarily inter the body - usually in an accessible cave, wait until just the bones remain (but not too long - don’t want them disintegrating), then dig everything up, perform all the rituals & sacrifices to appease The Ancestors, and wrap & rebury what’s left in a more permanent spot (see collection of stones on right side of giant rock). Done & done.

But wait! Recently there’s been an epidemic of “bone snatching.” Hence this discarded coffin. Nothing’s been proven yet, but the Chinese are the prime suspects, owing to their well-known fascination with using strange objects for medicinal purposes. Whatever. People here are really pissed about the whole thing.

your obligatory wildlife

Never mind the colour. Look at the size of these things. According to Toussaint, when they emerge from the chrysalis, they’re about the size of a small plane.

No lie - there’s a walking stick insect in this photo. I didn’t believe it either until it moved.

Chameleon. Duh!

Surprise! No kidding. These things are cute as hell.

So now I’m officially done with parks, guides and all the bullshit that goes along with them. I really wouldn’t mind it as much (maybe) if I thought the fruits of this kind of extortion were at least going back into the parks or, better yet, the roads leading to them. But without exception, or any prompting from me, the guides and workers all bitch & moan about how most of it is lining some fat cat’s pocket. Africa - whaddaya gonna do?

*Appendix (probably unnecessary): Devil’s Toenail refers to any and all ludicrously overhyped and invariably extremely disappointing tourist attraction. The phrase originated in England in 1995, as we drove past literally endless signs touting “Devil’s Toenail - 10 miles” etc. When we finally arrived (as if we weren’t going to stop) the attraction was a stone about the size of a bowling ball with no discernible markings whatsoever. Hence…