Hoi An? Oi Vey! or Disneyland Heads East

One summer, when we thought they were old enough so we wouldn't have to do it again, we packed the kids into Westy, our not-so-trusty VW camper, and headed for Orlando to visit Disneyworld. I have to admit it lived up to every expectation our girls had - a sanitized, pre-packaged, completely-divorced-from-reality fantasy, where nothing ever changes and all your childhood dreams can come true.

I hadn't experienced that feeling again - until I hit Hoi An. Here are the stringent criteria it easily met:
1. The crowds in the streets are staggering. You are literally swept along in a wave of Teva-clad humanity.

This area would be classified as "virtually deserted".

2. No building bears any resemblance whatsoever to The Real World. It's either a cleverly disguised store/gallery, restaurant or hotel.

Cutesy, right? C'mon, you love it, don't you? Vietnam like you always imagined.

3. Everything costs something. You actually have to buy a ticket to enter the "restored" section of the old town (their version of Fantasyland).

Unauthorized photos taken before I was nabbed. " Ticket? You need a ticket? So sorry. Buying one now."

4. There are signature landmarks. In Hoi An, it's the Japanese covered bridge. 

You MUST have your picture taken there whether in it, on it, beside it, or in the case of honeymooners, gliding before it in a spotlit boat. Seriously.

               I knew you wouldn't believe me.

Fortunately, I didn't give a flying fuck about any of that. My sole purpose for visiting Hoi An was to bask in the lap of luxury for 2 days and eat myself into a stupor. And I believe I can say with complete confidence - mission accomplished.

I won't bore you with the details of the Ha An Hotel, except to say that the breakfast was to die for (and they let me bring my coffee and baked treats to my private patio), my room was perfect, and I think I can safely say they had the best staff of any hotel ever - friendly without being sucky, helpful without being obsequious and knowledgeable without being condescending.

                       Uh-huh. Livin' the dream.

I will, however, force you to rehash, as it were, each delicious morsel of my culinary quest.
Just kidding. But I will show you some, because, like, they were just, like, so, like, totally awesome. Sorry. Hoi An Hangover.

Banh Mi Phuong: loved by Anthony Bourdain, my doppelganger and travelling culinary hero.

Streets: another street kids restaurant. The first dish is rose white dumplings, the second is Cao Lac, both local specialties.

There now, that wasn't so bad was it?

Still, I have to say, in spite of all the bullshit -and my God, there's just so much of it - I have a soft spot for Hoi An. Would I want to live there? Shit, no! Will I ever go back there? Of course not. But if you can avoid the tourists (early morning walks and bike rides to the outer fringes) or, even better, treat it as an amusement park/zoo, it's a great place to get your gourmet game on.

Next episode: Over the Hai Van Pass and on to Hue ("No, I'm not clearing my throat. That's how you say it.")